when you begin to look and suddenly see


I just tweeted the following:

“Am thoroughly enjoying life at the mo’. MA in Criminal Justice right up my street. Find myself inclining to Cultural Criminology.”

And a dear follower (who I follow) remarked that this gladdened his tired heart.  And suddenly I know I am following the right path.  And the people not a million miles away from me who this summer tried to emotionally blackmail me into positivism were wrong after all.

And I know this will lead to a god-awful battle some way down the academic – and maybe politicised – route, but I am now ready because I realise what was happening all along.

And what was happening was just totally unright, that comprehension and understanding really won’t be where it’s at any more.

Family, you let me down.  And boy did you let me down big-time.

But now I am to have a different family: no safer perhaps, but starting afresh for sure.  And based on opportunity, not quasi-criminality.

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on the type of criminologist i might always have been, anyway …*

I have been reading an Oxford book – the Oxford book on the subject, I think! – about criminology.  It’s around 1000 pages long.  My Kindle tells me I have read 15 percent so far.

It’s a totally grand read.  In particular, I have enjoyed the chapters which give an overview of the differing approaches in the field; on the psychology applicable to and used within criminology; and on the version of the practice that is called cultural criminology.

Cultural criminology is what I have been writing since 2006 at least.  Inasmuch as it is involved with the meaning of discrete cultural “events”, and even where crime has not been the focus of my thoughts, the discourse I have used most definitely has been that of the aforementioned approach.

I suddenly feel at home and at one with the world in this persistent, resilient and robust search for meaning in everything: and in truth, where the question “why” trips easily from our lips I always shall be.

Not for me the positivist who chooses to measure the easily measured, and who only values the clearly repeatable.

Let us not define our radii of activities by what first comes to hand but, rather, by what engages with the full complexity of modern thought and curiosity.

And if we are prepared to spend billions on constructing consumerism, let us spend a few hours at least deconstructing it.

* As a footnote to this gently reflective post, I now understand more clearly the games the natural allies of positivists have played with me for the past two years or so, or maybe much much longer.

It does become so very manifest.

How cruel you have been to me and my emotions.  And one person in particular I shall never be capable of forgiving.  They acted as agent provocateur in a most unseemly and repellent manner.  But then I guess their mistresses and masters are just as repellent and unseemly.  Of the people we work for, so we become?  Or does your behaviour emerge entirely from within? 

Tell me, dear positivist (you know who I mean when I direct these words at you), what would you conclude if I was able to push you far enough on this one?  What would your instincts lead you to obfuscate this time?

No more, OK?  


No more.

And thus battles commence … but this time I realise …

… why.

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learning to be neither poet nor writer, nor taker of weird pics

It is funny how turns in your life open up many doors but must simultaneously close so many others.

There are unseemly freedoms that libertines can enjoy: those who follow their artistic noses into every dark cranny and nook and kindling.

But unseemliness is not the serious pursuit of serious occupation: and serious occupation is where life demands I must now go.

And life is right: I have debts, both financial and emotional, to pay back.

At 54 I settle down to gravity and weight and the burdens that righteousness carry with them.

And space to fly only exists in the imagination that still strives to exist, despite the Newtonian assurances.  But in the day-to-day relationship of person to person, it’s the suits – whether literal or figurative – which impose their ways of seeing and doing.  

Reputation and continuity above the starting from scratch every time a new scenario is excitedly perceived.

Predictability and an absence of agency above free spiritedness.

Doing above being.

Data above wisdom.

Process above people.

That is my sacrifice.

And – ultimately – it is for my wife and children I commit it.

I hope I take the right road here.

It is the rest of my life.