Processed with Snapseed.

learning to be neither poet nor writer, nor taker of weird pics

It is funny how turns in your life open up many doors but must simultaneously close so many others.

There are unseemly freedoms that libertines can enjoy: those who follow their artistic noses into every dark cranny and nook and kindling.

But unseemliness is not the serious pursuit of serious occupation: and serious occupation is where life demands I must now go.

And life is right: I have debts, both financial and emotional, to pay back.

At 54 I settle down to gravity and weight and the burdens that righteousness carry with them.

And space to fly only exists in the imagination that still strives to exist, despite the Newtonian assurances.  But in the day-to-day relationship of person to person, it’s the suits – whether literal or figurative – which impose their ways of seeing and doing.  

Reputation and continuity above the starting from scratch every time a new scenario is excitedly perceived.

Predictability and an absence of agency above free spiritedness.

Doing above being.

Data above wisdom.

Process above people.

That is my sacrifice.

And – ultimately – it is for my wife and children I commit it.

I hope I take the right road here.

It is the rest of my life.

wp-image-208068128jpg.jpg

learning to be happy being happy

Over the past year, above and beyond even the Master I shall shortly be studying in Liverpool, my grandest and most permanent achievement is to have gently, sometimes a tad stridently even so, learnt how to be happy about being happy.

I have needed a lot of help along the way, but I myself have put in the hours too.  So it’s actually been the job of a huge and wonderful team, the like of which I shall never experience again.

And I feel treasured and beloved for perhaps the first permanent time in my life.  But most of all, I actually love the life I have; the person I have become; the reactions I come up with; and the small achievements which every day I see myself battling successfully away at it.

It’s possible.  It’s possible to achieve great little things through great big steps.  And to achieve without trampling; without cruelty or abuse; without stamping on the dreams of others.

For there is no better dream than that which liberates the dreams of those around you; no better goal than the one which scores for us all.

I am finally blessed by a life of astonishing richness: and you may not see it; and you may not sense it; and you may not find it easy to believe.  

But I know where I now am.  And it is where I want to be.


wp-image-278048225jpg.jpg

st(uf)f

In Spanish they say “¡Uf!” kinda when they mean “Goodness me!”.

When the moment is uncertain or, at the very least, a little unclear.

Today, for me, is one of those dayz.

One of those daze indeed.

I am still in Ireland.  I fly back on Tuesday.  This morning, I got myself a spoken-Irish language course.  It’s the least I could do, being my intentions are to continue returning.

I also bought a bad words book, as a treat and a bit of fun.  It’s always goofy to have fun, yer know.  Always goofy.

And goofy is good.

The only sadness in my life right now are bridges burnt, and not necessarily by me this time.  Maybe new bridges need to be built, or maybe they need to start from different riverbanks.

Only time and patience can now tell.

Only time and patience.

At least I have a singular purpose for the next year.  And at last my children will be able to say unequivocally what I am doing.  I do it for me in a way I have never done before, but even so I do it for them too so this will be possible for them.

For their pride and for their sense of self-worth.

If you’re interested in finding out more, here are the details of the MA I will be studying:

https://www.ljmu.ac.uk/study/courses/postgraduates/criminal-justice 

The opportunities are immense.  My life clearly is to change in so many ways.

I hope I am up to the challenge.

I hope – and trust – I am.