we have the lives we need, not the lives we deserve

We have the lives we need: that is why we are what we are.  I have just realised this; this I have just understood.

Personally, I am incapable of affection, and this is why I get no affection in exchange.  If I did get affection in exchange, it would be because I deserved it and offered it up myself.  As I don’t get it, so it must be a result of my incapacity to love.

I am disabled in love.

I am disabled in emotion.

I am disabled in almost every respect I can think of.

I want no pity.

I want no help.

I am sovereign over my wants; and now it is my desire not to be given anything by anyone.  I want no one to be interested in me.  I want just to watch and observe.  I want just to take photographs and write.  I want just to be able to be.

To interact with people who belittle me and lie to me is to interact with a game of tragic loss.

People tell me to be a river; and when I open up, they make me look foolish.

The reason I am an island, a rock as hard as I am, is because far too often foolishness is my experience, and making a damn idiot of my being is about the only skillset I properly possess.

So please stop asking me to reach out and love.

Please stop asking me to hold your virtual hands.

Please stop loving the stupid things I think.

Please stop liking anything I do.

Please just let me be.

Just let me be.

Let me be.

Let me.

Me.

M.

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