learning to be happy being happy

Over the past year, above and beyond even the Master I shall shortly be studying in Liverpool, my grandest and most permanent achievement is to have gently, sometimes a tad stridently even so, learnt how to be happy about being happy.

I have needed a lot of help along the way, but I myself have put in the hours too.  So it’s actually been the job of a huge and wonderful team, the like of which I shall never experience again.

And I feel treasured and beloved for perhaps the first permanent time in my life.  But most of all, I actually love the life I have; the person I have become; the reactions I come up with; and the small achievements which every day I see myself battling successfully away at it.

It’s possible.  It’s possible to achieve great little things through great big steps.  And to achieve without trampling; without cruelty or abuse; without stamping on the dreams of others.

For there is no better dream than that which liberates the dreams of those around you; no better goal than the one which scores for us all.

I am finally blessed by a life of astonishing richness: and you may not see it; and you may not sense it; and you may not find it easy to believe.  

But I know where I now am.  And it is where I want to be.


e-koj

It’s difficult to think your pain has been the object of a massive practical joke.  An online one, at that.  A life lived back to front, by design.  Jeez.  You didn’t need a joke to get a beautiful, heartfelt watch.  Just your presence and your kindnesses were plenty.

And the peace of mind that, even now, I must surely sustain you were offering up to me.

And maybe after today I’m wrong; and maybe after today I need to accept I got it wrong about people again; and maybe after today I have to start from scratch for the umpteenth time in my life.

But even after today … well … I still don’t think you’ve all been party to a making fun of me, sin más.  And if you have, and time will tell, and the lesson will have to once again be absorbed if never properly acquired, because that lesson I refuse to learn because that lesson would damage and undermine the very foundations of my belief system … because that lesson is just plain rubbish … because that lesson is going against all that humanity should be and manifest and share and express … 

And if all you have been doing is aiming to make fun of me, then yes … yes, I shall need to start from scratch.

For the umpteenth time of the umpteenth time of the umpteenth time in my life.

And yet despite all your designs and all your devilish detail … I still believe you are capable of humanity … I still believe in your essential goodness … I still deny your bad faith.  Give me evidence either way, and I shall still find it very hard not to believe in the good we all are able to show.

The good we all are.

The good that leads to true happiness, joy and shared peace of mind.

the #beatlesstory #liverpool (ii)

I went to a second part of the Beatles Story today.  It was at the Pier Head, and involved a beautifully made immersive and audiovisual – as well as rather wet! – experience.  I enjoyed myself thoroughly, and coupling it with yesterday’s exhibition can entirely and fully recommend the two.

I’ve spent the rest of the day laughing, crying and being utterly impressed by the city of Liverpool, the place and its people.  And to be honest, the possessive is quite the wrong way of attaching the city and people together: it’s a union born of embraces and the love of freedom rather than the ownership of chattels from other century.

And indeed it is true: Liverpool has seen its fair share of such possession: it was built on the slave trade, and required the highest price of the human beings it objectified.

I have cried today at the slave trade, still ongoing in far too many places; still ongoing in certain ways in very private lives.

But my own sadnesses, of which I have both received and severely caused, pale into terrible insignificance when compared with the suffering that slaves have suffered: a suffering which has wrought awful damage in the very interior of their cultural, social and political DNA.

And I would agree most sincerely: there is much slavery around, even now: it involves chains, maybe, but casual assumptions held lightly too.

Though their consequences are anything but light.

So.

I have lived a wonderful day of love to my person today, and I have learnt so much I should already have known.  And I have seen wonderful singers and magnificent bands.  And I have been pursued relentlessly around the Albert Docks by a man and woman who are clearly aiming to be my nemeses.

Yet I bear them no ill: truly quite the opposite.  My amusement at how they made me feel was part of today’s wondrous wondrous moments.

There is no better day than the day you joyfully meet yourself.  And there is no better moment than when meeting yourself, you finally are able to fall in love.

Thank you one and all.  Yous are sincerely, frankly, magnificently … goddamn cool!  And whilst I still don’t know exactly why, nor what my future holds in store, I’m kinda beginning to get an idea.

But we’ll leave that thought for another day, yeah?  Or at least another moment this evening.  First, I need to eat yer know; even I do, sometimes.  Even I do.

And maybe – who knows? – I’ll also get lucky enough one day to have friends and people and family and a life which allows me to share not only a fish supper but also a yellow breakfast or two.

Yellow meaning my future. 

A future of sunrise.

A future of freedom.