e-koj

It’s difficult to think your pain has been the object of a massive practical joke.  An online one, at that.  A life lived back to front, by design.  Jeez.  You didn’t need a joke to get a beautiful, heartfelt watch.  Just your presence and your kindnesses were plenty.

And the peace of mind that, even now, I must surely sustain you were offering up to me.

And maybe after today I’m wrong; and maybe after today I need to accept I got it wrong about people again; and maybe after today I have to start from scratch for the umpteenth time in my life.

But even after today … well … I still don’t think you’ve all been party to a making fun of me, sin más.  And if you have, and time will tell, and the lesson will have to once again be absorbed if never properly acquired, because that lesson I refuse to learn because that lesson would damage and undermine the very foundations of my belief system … because that lesson is just plain rubbish … because that lesson is going against all that humanity should be and manifest and share and express … 

And if all you have been doing is aiming to make fun of me, then yes … yes, I shall need to start from scratch.

For the umpteenth time of the umpteenth time of the umpteenth time in my life.

And yet despite all your designs and all your devilish detail … I still believe you are capable of humanity … I still believe in your essential goodness … I still deny your bad faith.  Give me evidence either way, and I shall still find it very hard not to believe in the good we all are able to show.

The good we all are.

The good that leads to true happiness, joy and shared peace of mind.

no pics to report

Life is a wheel, as was suggested to me recently (I no longer remember if today at some time …).

It turns, but it also wounds – wounds not winds, and not winds as in the weather but as in time, as it rides roughshod over our ambitions and aspirations.

Those, then, too, are the weals I am thinking of.

And I find it difficult to express my thoughts at this time.  And not because they are poorly formed.  Rather, more, because they encompass all points north and south, and every degree and mark in between.

This is the truth.  My mind is not full of inconclusions but waitings: a real desire to do justice to everyone and everything; a hatred of injustice even where this injustice myself would clearly benefit.

And then there’s love too.

And then there’s love too.

And the future I now yearn for.

So.

No pics, it is true.  But plenty of ambiguity clearly embraced.  For, sometimes, black & white is manifestly not enough.  Sometimes, just sometimes, the truth and honour and nobleness of a situation, circumstance, relationship and life lie in places black & white never will fully communicate.

Nor fully – fairly! – describe.

So no pics.  No certainties.  No gaudy colours to shock, either.  No filters to bemuse.  This is, finally, contactful.

Much love on my part.  And a few small words too.

And occasionally, yer know, such words – even when not quite up to the matter in hand in hand – are enough.  

Yes.  

Sometimes they are.

Of course I love you.  Of course I do.  But we knew this already.  The real question is: is love enough?

It doesn’t have to be.

And there is no shame in saying it is not.

If there were, it would not be love, my love.

No.

Obviously not.

Obviously.

Obvious.

Us.

🙂

Time for a walk.  Need to think things through.  Want to do things right.  Have to be good.  

And good means learning happy.

And learning happy for me, too.

the future (which outshines)

I had a good sleep, but didn’t half wake up early.

Done lots of admin; pleased how I’m getting on top of life.

Looking to the future; wanting so much to leave the past where it needs to stay.

And the only way to leave the past in the passed is to make a new future which outshines all the dark that was once there.

Yeah.  I’ve fallen in love with a beautiful woman, who’s fairly out of my reach because she has other commitments.  And I guess this might be the story of my life, except it doesn’t continue in quite the same way.  I’m not exactly settling for second best with the friendship offered: I’m looking to ensure that the friendship offered outshines all and everything a relationship of lovers might have offered in exchange.

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And maybe to be flashily in love, to be a lover and not friend first and foremost, ain’t the 21st century way after all.  And maybe one day she could be a friend who was a woman; and maybe it could become elsewise, though I resist saying “more”.

And maybe I’m not talking about her being a girlfriend, because she most certainly ain’t a girl.

A womanfriend, p’raps, is what I really mean.

I’d love her as a womanfriend.

Yes.

That’s the term I’m going to choose from now on.

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