learning to be happy being happy

Over the past year, above and beyond even the Master I shall shortly be studying in Liverpool, my grandest and most permanent achievement is to have gently, sometimes a tad stridently even so, learnt how to be happy about being happy.

I have needed a lot of help along the way, but I myself have put in the hours too.  So it’s actually been the job of a huge and wonderful team, the like of which I shall never experience again.

And I feel treasured and beloved for perhaps the first permanent time in my life.  But most of all, I actually love the life I have; the person I have become; the reactions I come up with; and the small achievements which every day I see myself battling successfully away at it.

It’s possible.  It’s possible to achieve great little things through great big steps.  And to achieve without trampling; without cruelty or abuse; without stamping on the dreams of others.

For there is no better dream than that which liberates the dreams of those around you; no better goal than the one which scores for us all.

I am finally blessed by a life of astonishing richness: and you may not see it; and you may not sense it; and you may not find it easy to believe.  

But I know where I now am.  And it is where I want to be.


love and work and marriage

 

In a sense, they’re right.

When you love your work, and your work is all-consuming, you don’t need people to love.  But also, equally, there may come a time in your life when – even as need absences itself from your stage – you do want to love people as well as your work.

If I succeed in my latest attempt – oft failed in the past, oft criticised by others in a curiously permanent present – to achieve a place in the world where the recognition of peers expresses and validates the idea that I am useful at last for something which does not emerge from under adolescent sulks or adult games or family idiocies or friends who are not, then I can say I now want far more than that.

People in my life have set me the goal of being useful to the world as a condition for their love.

Only then will it work.

Only then can it work.

I now understand and appreciate this position.  But once achieved – if this indeed will finally happen – the long sought-after ambition to be of utility to a universe, and so able to pay the bills and my way in a place and environment I never could till this moment, what say you to my own new position?  If you are to need me as before once the goal is accomplished, and I no longer want to be needed but wanted, what is there to do?  What might be decided?  What should be agreed upon?  What would we end up doing?

I wonder and wander and tangentially consider the meat of the matter and the pi of the calculation.

And I have to say … well yes, maybe you were right.  Maybe before, if I’d acquired the job I deserved, and been able to pay the family into a material joy, maybe then we’d have spent the rest of our times having coffees and squabbling gently and kindly and a bit weirdly, as people do end up doing everywhere.

As people end up doing in no bad way at all, tbh.

But having gone through what I have, and having begun to emerge relatively unscathed from the other end, I realise whilst coffees and gentle squabbling is still fine, I want time for myself in places family are not where I can let my thoughts fly as I now know exactly how to.

And it’s no criticism of you; no criticism of the rest; just a damn fact of life that I want something else.

And when people change, and others do really love them, then letting go of the person that once was there, and choosing or not to continue the relationship, whether in some different way or actually not at all, is something which should happen; is something which must happen.

And when it does not, we are bending out of shape the individuals we must defend and protect from outside attack.

But not only from the attack that encroaches from without: also the attack that is the undermining of self; the undermining of self by the self that is being undermined.

In truth, it comes back to the fact and reality of love.

And when you do love yourself, you love others much better.

And when you love others truly, not sacrificially, not hurtingly, then it becomes far far easier to love yourself too.

 

 

Full circle, then, we come.

And full circle, now, we’ve been.

And full circle, it’s time to turn and run like child in meadow-grass; like adolescent in the hay of awakening; like adult in the discovery of humanity not grind; like men and women and children and people all – that truth which is innocence and imagination, and creation.

 

fun and aims: a story of loving recovery

It has been a strangely exhilarating day in Liverpool today. It has been for a number of days, tbh.  Maybe for months.  Maybe for years.

Only I didn’t have the means to safely confirm this.

Now I think my intuition is fair in the overall design if not the detail.  And I would be fascinated to know the detail sometime.  Well.  As soon as poss.  But only as soon as poss.

This evening is not an evening for asking for anything.  It is an evening for being; for understanding; for appreciating the fine intelligences of others; maybe of many others; maybe more than I shall ever be able to know.

And I do appreciate these intelligences – more than you will ever know yourselves.

Thank you one and all. 

Really.

For I am bewildered, even as I am happy beyond belief. 

And if I must be bewildered, because you think this wise, then so be it.  

So be it.

So be it.